The NotSo United States of America
by Deadlyshewolf
Summary: When America's away, the states will play...
1. Chapter 1

**I just remembered I was supposed to post this thing. Anyway, this is just the beginning of something I wrote at midnight while bored. Sorry if it's short. Chapter 1: The introductory Prologue. **

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"Hey, hey~! I'm South California and this is my brother, North~" A girl with (an) outrageously fake: breasts, blond hair, lips, and tan; bounced like her little chihuahua that was sitting next to a man with long brown hair in a pony tail.

"Hey." He nodded raising his hand. He refused to look at his scarcely dressed sister, she was only in a miniskirt and tubetop with heels.

"Now, along with our true blue American friends, we are going to show kick off our special show called..." She paused for dramatic effect before throwing her hands in the air and squealing, "THE NOT-SO UNITED STATES!"

And at the very second she yelled those words, a can rolled into the room and encasing the room in white smoke. Only a distinct coughing sound and people falling could be heard.

"Did we get 'em?"

"Hell if I know. The gas is still up."

"Vent it then."

"Hold on, hold on..." A door opened up and the smoke cleared, revealing three people, with gas-masks, standing around the passed out California's.

"Uhhh, guys, I think the camera is still rolling." The only black one pointed out while pulling off his mask. The other two took off the masks, one of them trying to nudge a camera-man awake.

"Well, we didn't think that part through."

_-bzzt-_

"Does this thing even work? It hit the floor pretty hard." Feet walked infront of the camera lens with one of them picking it up.

"It says it's rolling." A male's voice said pointing it at a girl and an olive skinned man.

"Well then. For all the viewers, this is a ransack. A farce, a crashing, whatever you will call it, but this little show isn't for introducing you to the 'important' states-" The girl stated with a thick coat of sarcasm and a slight southern drawl. She had a farmer's tan and cut-off shorts with her white tank-top showing off her arms. "-this is for the states that don't get as much air time as say, New York. Or that dimwit and her brother behind us."

"We are the south." The male said with a grin. "And we are calling the shots."

"I'm Arkansas, the natural state. Or you can call me Sam." She tossed a red-brown pigtail over her shoulder and grinned a cocky grin. Dark freckles moving with her grin.

"And I am Louisiana, the creole state. Do call me Jacques though." He said with a wink. He was barely taller than Sam, and had hair like dark honey. Arkansas stared at him utterly confused.

"Yesterday you said you were the pelican state."

"And now it's creole." He shrugged.

"Ok then... Whatever. Anyway, and this is..."She took the camera and turned it towards the other man.

"I'm Mississippi the magnolia state. You can call me Wayne." He had a polite smile and stood up straight. He was in simple white shirt and jeans.

"Wait, where are the others?" Arkansas asked, the camera looking around the room with her.

"They couldn't come, remember?" Wayne said in response.

"WHAT?"

"Don't drop the cam-!"

_-bzzt-_

"Honestly we did this for them and they can't even show up!" The camera was tilted sideways and aimed at the step up to the chairs like any other generic talk show.

"Sam, calm down."

"Not now Jacques!"

"SAM!"

"Sorry..."

_-bzzt-_

"So what do we do now?" The camera was still focused on the ground.

"I dunno." A cell-phone buzzed.

"I gotta take this..." Jacques got up and walked to another part of the studio, far enough so that even the camera couldn't pick up what he was saying. He walked past the camera and looked down. "Hey look, it's working again."

_-bzzt-_

"So we had to put it on a stand for now, but none the less we are filming." Arkansas shrugged as the camera was on a stand, pointing at all three of them. "So what was that call about?"

"Umm..." Before Louisiana could respond, they found out for themselves.

"Hey y'all~!" A woman with teased up blond hair, blue eyes, and big (and real) breasts crammed into a tiny Dallas, Cowboys Cheerleaders uniform.

"You." Arkansas hissed out standing up. Louisiana reached for her lower back and pulled the knife she had hidden from her.

"Easy now Arkansas." Mississippi stood up trying to calm the woman down.

"Yeah, no need to be so hot headed little piggy." She said with a lilt and a smile.

"What did you just say?" She said with eerie calmness. Blondie walked forward, stopping infront of Sam.

"I said, 'No. Need. To. Be. So. Hot. Headed. Little. Piggy.'" She had a huge grin and poked her nose with every word. Arkansas growled and tackled her.

"DIE BULL BITCH!" She screamed tackling the cheerleader. Arkansas had her pinned and reached for her knife.

"Where is my goddamn toothpick!" Jacques waved it and Sam jumped for it, just to be caught by Wayne. "LEGGO! I'M GONNA F*CKING KILL HER!"

_-bzzt-_

"Ok then. Now that Arkansas is subdued, this is Texas." Louisiana propped up the drugged and wall-eyed Arkansas on his shoulder. Texas fixed her poofed up hair and adjusted her breasts before acknowledging he said her name.

"Hey there. I'm the lone star state. But you can just call me Mary-Ann-Sue." She said with a bouncing grin.

"Suithing." Arkansas slurred out. Texas gasped and pouted, crossing her arms.

"Where is Austin?" Mississippi rubbed his temples as the woman applied even more hairspray to the mess she called a tease.

"Oh, my brother couldn't be here." She smiled and scooted up next to Louisiana.

"Why?"

"Because the writer is a lazy -aaaaaaaaaah!" A random trap door opened underneath her, sending her falling down.

"Thanks Wolf." Jacques called out.

_"This is the only time you get any interaction with me." _

"Alright then." Wayne said rubbing his hands together.

"So this turned out... a little different than we anticipated. Sorry to all the viewers who wanted to see Alabama, Missouri, Tennessee, Kentucky, and Oklahoma. You will have to wait until the next 'talk-show' chapter." Jacques said bouncing Arkansas back up on his shoulder.

"But foh now, thish is zeh best you get." Sam slurred again.

"Either way. Welcome to 'The Not-So United States' and we hope you enjoy the show."

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**Yes that is exactly what I wrote. And for those who might question the toothpick bit, look up the Arkansas Toothpick. It's a short step down from a Bowie knife. Meaning it is a heavy knife x3. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this odd intro and will enjoy the story. I didn't see many fic's of the states themselves so I made this. Now enough of me rambling. Review and get a cookie. Sayonara bye bye. **


	2. Chapter 2

**I apologize for the delay, but here is the second chapter of the story :D these are giving a little more insight to the states. Say hello to Chapter 2: Meet Arkansas**

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Meet Arkansas. She is a tomboy through and through, no doubt about it. Most people call her a "hick" or an "inbred hillbilly", but they are wrong about her in that respect. Because that's her big brother Missouri.

Her full name is Samantha Noel Carmelita James (ok I'm lying about the Carmelita part), but if you call her anything other than 'Sam' she will hog-tie you and feed you to the pigs. Speaking of pigs, she has two. And she loves them to pieces. She has one little Wild Boar Piglet named Sooie and a flying pink one named Conway.

Out of anyone in the world, her worst enemy is her blond opposite Texas. They've hated each other even back when they were mere children with their former adoptive dads.

Sam was raised in two homes before she was taken under America's wing. And they are the reason she is completely bat shit insane. She was raised in France's house, then Spain's. The level of pure insanity from being in both of them permanently traumatized her. And the only thing keeping her from jumping off a cliff when she did live with them were her two best friends. Mississippi and Louisiana.

For some reason she is really paranoid. No one knows why. If you come up behind her and surprise her, more often than naught she will throw you thirty feet. Shrieking the whole time.

Arkansas is completely in love with football and is an amazing track runner. Her rivalry with Texas knows no bounds when it comes to sports. She is the reason Arkansas keeps trying to attack her with her 'toothpick'.

Her birthday is on June 15th, making her a Gemini. And it is ridiculously true with her being more than person.

Before there was a Las Vegas, Hotsprings Arkansas was the hotspot for gambling and alcohol! Many mobsters were there surprisingly. She was actually pretty popular in the twenties. But that only happened because, hey, it's Arkansas. No one cares about Arkansas.

Some people don't believe she is related to Missouri, and it makes her incredibly mad because they are actually very similar and pretty close. Only difference is that her brother is taller and has black hair. Plus her farmer's tan and reddish hair doesn't compare well. She's also an insane Cardinals fan.

The author of this very story lives in her state.

Her favorite quote is from Winston Churchill and it is, "I like pigs. Dogs look up to you. Cats look down on you. Pigs treat you as equals."

Even though her rough, tomboyish outward appearance makes you think she would never be the kind to fall to pieces when talking to a boy, you'd be very wrong. She has a huge crush on Colorado and he makes her tongue tied and a giggly girly girl whenever he so much as looks her way. He's oblivious to her affection though.

Whenever a disaster occurs to Oklahoma, Mississippi, Tennessee, or Louisiana she is usually the first to run off to help them. She is a fiercely loyal friend.

Many think that she is a trailer trash girl who lives off beer and whatever she hunts down (she finds that incredibly offensive), she actually lives a pretty normal life. She owns and maintains her own farm, raises pigs, and goes to the town square often. She also has a hobby of collecting fine art, and is building a museum for all to see.

Sam is a very natural, earthy person and spends the majority of her time outside. Although she is usually working when she is outside, she's still out in the sunlight.

Occasionally she feels like someone is watching her, and whenever she looks to see who it is, a shadow moves and it disappears. Her paranoia is starting to over come her, and she thinks she is either haunted or someone is stalking her. But that could also be because she occasionally finds love letters on the ground outside of her house. Strangely she isn't the only girl to find those kinds of things.

Her best female friends are actually Kansas and Georgia. Though many people screw up her name and confuse her for Kansas.

Many people don't know it, but she is actually a piano virtuoso.

Loads of people mistake her for a dude with a feminine voice over the phone.

Her house is loaded with creatures, but she has a few that actually stick around for weeks on end. One of them is an orange cat trying to take over the world that she named Bentonville.

Walmart originated in Bentonville.

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**And now a short story to accompany this! It's Chapter 2.5! Conway and Bentonville part 1. **

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The door closed behind her as she yelled a hasty goodbye to her pets. That's when a low purr erupted from Bentonville.

"Mm-Yes. Go now my host." He purred watching the barefoot girl run off. He jumped off the windowsill he was perched on and strolled from room to room muttering to himself about his master plan. He's already infiltrated many states and countries with his stores that Sam Walton started. But his snickering was cut short by the sudden crash from his 'friend' if he could even call that flying dolt a friend. Then again that idiot pig did help him quite a bit more than he'd like to admit.

"Gee Bentonville! What what do you want to do tonight!" His chipper snorts sounded from behind the cat as he groaned.

"The same thing we do every night, Conway. Try to take over the world!"

"They're Conway and the Brain. Yes, Conway and the Brain. One is a genius, the other's insane." The wild boar Sooie sang as she walked by.

"Shut it Sooie." He hissed at her as Conway giggled like an idiot.

"Make me." She sassed back at him. "It's not like you didn't think of Pinky and the Brain's theme when you said that too."

"She's right, Ben!"

"I said shut it!" Sooie shook her head and laughed as she disappeared, red ribbon and all.

"She sure is pretty." Conway said dreamily floating up.

"Ugh. Come along now Conway. We have alot of work to do." He wandered up the stairs of the house to Sam's office. "Blast it. She shut the door."

"OH! I can get it Ben!" Conway snorted flying up to the handle. He shook it a little. Nothing. He shook it harder. Nothing. "Gee, Ben, I think she locked it!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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**Yes I live in Arkansas. And if you are wondering, I live in the evil orange cat. I'm not kidding most of the world is covered by Walmart and it started right down here. I only wrote this on the fly, so you won't be seeing story for a little while. But anyway, no one gives a flying f*ck about Sammy, but I love her! So until the next chapter. Sayonara Bye bye.  
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